A lot of people love Triple Threads, hence its yearly inclusion into the calendar for over a decade. I am not one of those people. To me, Triple Threads has always been a physical manifestation of everything I cannot stand about card design and card collectors. Sticker autographs, rainbow foil stock, needless parallel structure, and of course – a high box cost.
That’s not the reason Im writing this post, because everyone who has been reading this blog should know how much I hate this fucking set. This post is my yearly decent into hell – a review of the stupid shit Topps always die cuts into the relic cards. Whether its non-sensical phrases, odd nicknames, or weird accomplishments, Triple Threads is known for the redundant absurdity that creates some unusually cringe-worthy cards.
Case and point:
Without further adieu, here is a deep dive into the best of the worst, with an odd focus of just slapping names of random stats onto cards of people who represent those stats? Who fucking knows. Thus is Triple Threads.
Manny Machado – Bronx Statline – Not really sure what this is all about without looking it up, and Im guessing it is referring to his games versus the Yankees?
Mookie Betts – No Whiffs – Clearly referencing his notoriously noxious dugout farts. Stay away or have your face melted.
Anthony Rizzo – On Base In First – For a player that has beaten cancer, broken a 100 year old curse to win a WS, Topps really used their imagination on what to use here. If you want the stats to get weirder and more odd, keep reading.
Javier Baez – Thefts of Home – He does steal home, and it is cool. But this is how I would imagine some pretentious asshole to describe such a feat. I honestly have no fucking clue why people flock to this garbage each year.
Noah Syndergaard – SO2BB Ratio – As we saw with Rizzo, Topps has a game for us this year. For this set, they just match a stat to a player. No reason for this to be a game other than to just show that their die cut machine is capable of functioning this far into the run.
Adam Wainwright – Winning Waino – Any joke im going to make about this card makes light of alcoholism, which is only funny when its your uncle drunkenly calling out your 8 year old for being a jobless bum after having too much to drink at thanksgiving. #topical
Carlos Correa – Hit & Runs – Another chapter of the match a stat to a player game, only significantly more boring. Dont worry, it gets more boring.
Ian Kinsler – Quick Starter – Fun stat that didnt make it onto the card, Ian Kinsler was probably part of the first run of Triple Threads. He has had so many fucking cards in this set, that they literally ran out of descriptive superlatives. CONGRATS!
Marcus Strowman – Grounders – See, told you it got way more boring. Its like making a football die cut that says “dropbacks” or “passing attempts.”
Paul Goldschmidt – Bat & Glove – Someone owes him an apology for this card. This dude has done some awesome stuff over his career, and they literally just ran out of ways to say he is a good hitter and a good fielder. Either that, or they need to instruct collectors about needed baseball equipment.
Jim Thome – Hot In June – I dont think Thome has been in this set much, which means there is lots of crazy shit Topps can use. Spoiler alert: they didnt use any of it. I just want one card that is literally a player, an autograph, and the shit emoji three times. Its better than this.
Another year of Triple Threads, another heartwarming display of a set from 2006 that should have been axed in 2009. Im not sure what is more shocking, that this set is still around or that we still find ways to show that Rhonda Rousey card? Both are just too embarassing to forget.