Ebay can be the best place in the world, but it can also be a scam ridden cesspool, teeming with horrible and stupid people. When I got my virtual MEBAS (Masters of Ebay Buying and Selling) after spending years of working within the system, I have a list of grievences that I need to air per my pre-Festivus party planning list.

First, if you buy an item, you better be ready to pay for it then, not seven to ten days later. I know that eBay policies lay out their feelings on it, but paypal has changed the game. Fifteen years ago, it was done all through the mail, so I can understand any issues they needed to institute policies for. However, now, with most sellers ONLY taking paypal or similar services, there needs to be a common courtesy statute. I don’t want to hear about any money problems a buyer has, because that’s a ‘your problem’ not a ‘my problem.’ Pay as soon as you possibly can click the mouse over to paypal because I hate waiting when they knew the bill was coming. If you didn’t have the money you shouldn’t have bought, plain and simple.

Second, I hate people that don’t check their emails. This kind of relates to the above, because I have gotten the “I didn’t pay because I didn’t know” excuse way too many times. This also relates to item questions and BIN offers, especially when your iPhone gives you instant email updates. If I send a question, I expect a response ASAP, at least within that first 24 hours. That gives ample time for you to find out the answer and send it my way. Waiting until two minutes before the auction ends is complete poop. With BIN offers, I understand that you want to gauge interest in offers, but don’t let me sit there waiting. In fact, I avoid BIN/BO items with multiple expired offers.

That brings me to the next thing, BIN offers themselves. Ebay gives sellers the opportunity to counter offer, so they need to fucking use it. If I give you a reasonable offer, I think it is well within your role as a seller to counter if you do not think it is enough. If I am lowballing (which I have given up on), then I understand. But don’t reject my market value offer because you are a douche with no understanding of the BIN system. Don’t put your item up if you arent going to sell.

Speaking of selling but not selling, I have said before that using ebay as your personal photobucket is stupid and a complete waste of my fucking time. If you arent going to sell your item, go post a mailday message on a board or something. I don’t need to waste my time sending offers your way if you arent going to sell. Yes, yes, I know that there are success stories of people putting ridiculous BINs and getting a sale from a crazy person, but that is the exception to the rule. Stop with the show offs and get back to your regularly scheduled auctions.

Also, please do not send me a list of demands with your lowball BIN offer. I am not going to ship to Taiwan when it EXPLICITLY says otherwise in my auctions, and I am not going to waive shipping because you are begging me to help you. Ill deny you every single time just for being a thorn in my side.

Lastly, I hate shitty photos. If you have a card for sale, give me a good pic or I am going to bid lower. It is your responsibility to provide an accurate description of the item, not just a blurry cell phone shot. Spend the extra two minutes to get out your scanner or digital camera, and I will reward you as a buyer. God that pisses me off when I see something I want with a shitty ass photo.

Now, who has a good festivus pole that I can put a best offer on?